El Fin

Where am I?

I mean I guess the best way of answering that would be by saying I’m in this adorable little hotel in Antigua, Guatemala. It’s great being here…it’s Christmas Eve and instead of scraping snow off of the car I’m sitting outside in a garden, barefoot. But this isn’t home. This isn’t Chicago and more importantly this isn’t El Salvador, this isn’t La Javia, this isn’t Casa Romero.

It doesn’t feel like December 24^th, it doesn’t feel like the infamous day – December 14^th – has passed. I still feel like its August. I still feel like this is just a little break – that I’m still going back to El Salvador. But the truth is I’m not going back, at least now not. Casa is over. Everyone’s gone home. Words can’t really describe what I’m feeling right now. I know that the casa crew gets it but how can I make this make sense for everyone else – my parents, my family, my friends? I knew this was going to be tough. I know we all promised that we were going to face the challenge, that we weren’t going to just hide in our beds but right now that just seems so much easier.

I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures, I’ve been watching a lot of videos, and I’ve been listening to the infamous reflection music. I’m pretty sure I have a parasite and I have lice for what feels like the 100^th time. But I just want to go back to the place that gave me these things because really El Salvador has given me so much more. El Salvador gave me a love I’ve never felt before. It gave me something to fight for with my whole heart. El Salvador showed me pain and suffering and it showed me how to get through it. El Salvador opened my eyes to another life. El Salvador gave me friends that challenged me to become stronger, friends that picked me up every time I fell down. El Salvador gave me reasons to cry and reasons to laugh like I’ve never laughed before.

This little Central American vacation I’ve been on in the past 2 weeks with my parents has been fun but it’s been a weird transition. It was hard being in El Salvador being a tourist. It was hard walking in front of Casa Romero with 2 people that don’t realize how sacred of a place it is. It was hard being at La Javia without Katie and Ella. It was hard saying goodbye on my own. It’s hard waking up every day in a hotel room, living out of a suitcase instead of waking up to a home filled with 14 other people. It’s hard not being able to cry whenever I want to.

But I guess this is the challenge we all knew was coming. Maybe it’s good that I didn’t head straight home. Maybe I can use this time for processing. Sometimes reality hits me like the giant waves of the Pacific Ocean. Sometimes it hits me and I can hop on facebook and vent to someone and make everything better and sometimes it hits me in small spaces like the airport in El Salvador and I can’t do anything else but stare out the window, trying not to explode.

It’s hard to sum up what happened in the last few weeks, days, and hours in El Salvador with everyone from the casa. I don’t know if I will ever be able to explain it to anyone else. What I realized in that time though is something very important. I don’t know if I would have made it through the past 4 months – through natural disasters, long nights of homework, and a roller coaster of emotions without the amazing students, C.C’s ,and Heidi and Grace. But now I’m faced with the harsh reality of being on my own. - Physically on my own. I know there are close to 30 other people that would slap me in the face if I ever call myself alone again. And don’t worry, if any of you are reading this, I finally get it – I’m not alone anymore.

El Salvador has been amazing and I have learned so much. I learned so much history, I learned about immigration, I learned about what it means to get married in La Javia. But más que todo…I learned about myself. I learned that there’s this strength inside of me that sometimes likes to hide but when it’s not hidden it’s capable of so much. I learned that I don’t need to hide my feelings, I don’t need to hide the truth. I learned that there are so many people that genuinely love me and care about me and are willing to walk with me every step of the way. I learned that no matter where I’m at – physically or emotionally – there is always someone to listen.

So Where am I?

I’m in a better place than I was 4 months ago. In fact I’m probably in the best place I’ve ever been. I’m in a place where I’m ready to speak up. I’m ready to spread all of the knowledge I have gained here in El Salvador. I’m ready to accept the love I have received and I’m ready to bring that love home. I’m in a place where I feel like I’ve learned to lead from the martyrs, Monseñor Romero, and Dean Brackley even though I’ve never met them. I’m in a place where I’ve learned to see myself as a strong woman from Angelica, Ana, Katy, and all of the other women in La Javia. I’m in a place where I’m not so afraid anymore. I’m in a place where I can feel my own strength. I’m in a place where I’ve realized that being angry at the world doesn’t get you as far as having hope and faith that things will get better.  And although I miss El Salvador and everyone I met there more than anything else in the world, I am in a place where I am truly happy.

So there’s no doubt it’s going to be hard. I apologize in advance if I’m an emotional wreck. But I’m happy with the life I am currently living and this happiness gives me strength and right now, that is the most important thing.